My fridge

You know those days that you think "Wow...I should really do all those small and annoying things around the house", but there are so many little annoying things that you don't know where to start? Well, I decided to start with my fridge. I knew that I needed to do some grocery shopping soon so that I could start eating healthy. So I filled my sink with hot soapy water, put on a tank top, started my 80's playlist on my phone and opened my fridge door. I saw quite a few items in there so I wasn't too afraid of my upcoming grocery bill. The problem was that it was full of containers, moldy cucumbers and empty Ricardo's pizza boxes. My recycling bag was full in no time. My freezer was even more pathetic. It had 3 boxes of empty pizza pop boxes. THAT'S IT. In full honesty the tears were streaming down my face so hard while I wiped the shelves clean. This was a moment that showed me the real depth of my eating disorder. There's no food in my house. For real. No food. The only remnants left were crappy fast food and moldy "best intentions with no follow through."

To tell the truth I don't know where to start with explaining my sickness. I know even less how to start making changes. I'm crying now while I write this because there is so much pain and confusion around my relationship with food and how it directly effects my self confidence and image issues. I seem happy and content when you see me. I have learned to smile and laugh. I enjoy laughing because for that moment my mind isn't spinning with negative thoughts. I don't like how I look. I post a lot of selfies on my FB, and my phone is full of them because I am hoping to have one shot that shows me a pretty girl. Occasionally I find one, but within a few days of me looking at it changes it to a fat, old boring girl.

I know that tomorrow I need to go and buy food to put into my fridge. Food I like, food I am willing to spend money on. Food is such a waste...I spend hard earned money on it, eat it, and then crap it out an hour later. a total waste. I wish I could eat once a month and that's it. I am told that I need to start seeing food as fuel. Believe me I know this to be true, among all the millions of things I have been told through my 41 years of life, but my brain and heart have a disease...its self hatred and mutilation.

I will buy groceries tomorrow and will blog about the experience. I know this seems silly, but grocery shopping is not just a simple chore for me. It takes all of my strength to do it. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted when I do it. I cry often in the isles and my anxiety gets so high it takes my breath away. Maybe a few of you can relate? What I hope to make you to know is that its not the food, or the money I spend that's the real problem...its my mind. This process is going to heal the messy scars in my mind that don't allow me to think rationally. You are going to be helping me. I need your help much more than you realize. I am so very broken inside around this.

There will be many laughs to be had. I promise. There will also be many tears for me. I am going to be so raw and honest. I have to. I am in recovery and I know too well that secrets are what make me sick...and sick brings me to using and eventual death. I have overcome some really intense addictions. For that I am so very happy. This one with food and self hatred\vanity is so deeply entwined with my identity though. It is my very being. Its what keeps me from dating healthy men. It keeps me from taking chances everyday in every area. This blog is just a start. You will know me so very well after this. I am slowly going to peel the onion back and delve into the deep core of this issue. I cant give up on this. Please don't let me. I may fight you, get mad, and cry. Care enough for me to ask me the right questions.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for helping  me through this.
Tomorrow I will fill my fridge. well....at least buy a few things. Not pizza. Keep me accountable for this please.

Now goodnight. I am going to drink my coffee, journal and attempt to make a grocery list <3 nbsp="" p="">
~Tawnya